The Battles

 The last 6 months have been nothing if not stressful. But that is not where my struggle with my weight begins....and it is not what led me to this journey either. 

I feel like my battle with my weight has been one that I have had almost my entire life. Each time I start to make progress I hit a wall. Sometimes those walls are self imposed and other times those walls come in the form of other people.

I was the girl who appeared older when one wanted to appear older....LOL. Hopefully that particular trait has stopped. I digress..... at 13 I looked 16...you get the picture. I remember a time when I was about 16 and working in a large retail store, I was in a good place health wise and well, I was fitting into clothes in the girls department. That was the same time in my life that I had to file a sexual harrassment complaint against a co worker.....and it was the first time that this attention led to a weight gain. Like most people I gained weight my freshman year in college, and then lost it before returning and well....damn, I looked good. That was the year I met my husband and got engaged. I kept the weight off for a while and then during my last year of college, while wearing one of my FAVORITE dresses, a long back Eddie Bauer dress, I was told ( by a female in authority) that my body was a distraction to the boys on campus and I needed to change how I dressed. This would be when I added a second bra to make my chest...smaller. 

Thankfully I kept weight off headed into getting married and then it began to yo yo around having kids...which is not unexpected. My kids became my focus and eating became something I did for survival and the easier the better. I have spent about a million hours on Weight Watchers losing weight and gaining it again. I remember one point where I had lost abuot 40 pounds and I was really feeling good. A comment was made about how good I looked and my chest. It was all it took to get into my head and spiral back into weight gain. 

As a teenager I remember ( and I hesitate to even share this) spending several days just taking in water or ice tea and avoiding food at all costs. There was a boy and I saw the girls he was attracted to, and at that moment I wanted to do whatever it took to be that person. I never was, and in the end that is more than ok. I have the most amazing human as my husband and I would never trade him for anyone. 

In the end..we all have battles and these are just a few of the ones that I have shaped my fight with food and being healthy. I am ready for a change, and dealing with these moments....are part of the process. 

xoxo